Complacency...it eats at your soul

You ever get so complacent in life that you feel trapped, lost, hopeless? That the hole you are in seems deeper every day? I know Im not the only one and this post isnt to make you think Im depressed and have lost my marbles. I just know firsthand that complacency eats at your soul until you have given up on living something better. I am truly blessed with who and what I have in my life and there wont be a second that I wont appreciate that. Sometimes I feel as if I have given up and accepted things as they are. Ive learned that Im not usually happy but convince myself that I am because its better than looking depressed all the time. Ive learned that assuming the insignificant things that go on during my day to day are bigger than they are so that I feel like Im happy.

I'll be honest and if none of you can admit that you've envied someone else's life and felt this way too, please unfollow me now, you are lying to yourself. Envy is a horrible thing and Ive become addicted to where other people are in their lives, finacially, romantically, and professionally. I hate that its true, but it is what it is. I compare my situation to soo many other people that its stupid to even admit it. I can change things and I need to because things will never be any better for me and Jordyn if I wallow in self pity over things that I cannot change and all of these woulda, shoulda, coulda's. I am who I am for a reason and I can be happy, I just need to be stronger.

So here I am, about to cry because Im soo emotional all the time but wont because it'll mess my makeup up...lol. Awww, thats the Shamika we all know and love! ha ha ha. Plus, fixing runny mascara and eyeliner is a BEEETCH! Off topic as usual I will come back with this...I dont want you to feel sorry for me in any way. I have been vague on what Im really complacent about for a reason but just know that Im a strong woman who needs to be a little bit stronger so that I wont have to write about this ever again and so that Jordyn can remember her mom being happy. I never remembered mine being happy..and it hurts. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree and this time will be different...